Fall, Fertility, and the Pressure to Feel Hopeful

There’s something about fall that makes everything feel like a fresh start.

The weather changes (I LOVE me some sweater weather). Routines pick back up. The holidays are on the horizon. Everyone seems to be talking about gratitude, new beginnings, and making plans for the months ahead.

And if you’re trying to conceive, you might find yourself quietly thinking:

Maybe this will finally be our season.

Maybe this cycle will be different. Maybe by Thanksgiving, I’ll have good news to share. Maybe by the holidays, things will look completely different.

Hope can be a beautiful thing when you’re trying to grow your family. But when you’ve been hoping for a long time, hope can also become exhausting.

When hope starts to feel like pressure

If you’ve been trying to conceive for months—or longer—you may know the emotional cycle all too well.

You hope. You wait. You analyze every symptom. You try not to get your hopes up. Then you get your hopes up anyway.

And if the cycle doesn’t go the way you wanted, you pick yourself back up and somehow find a way to hope again.

There can be so much pressure to stay positive through all of it. To “keep the faith.” To believe that your time will come.

But what happens when you’re tired? What happens when you don't want to be optimistic for a little while? What happens when another person tells you to “just stay hopeful,” and instead of feeling encouraged, you want to scream?

You are allowed to be tired of hoping.

Fall can make the waiting feel even louder

The changing seasons can bring a surprising amount of comparison.

You may notice pregnancy announcements, newborn photos, family holiday cards, baby’s-first-Christmas posts, or friends talking about expanding their families.

You may find yourself doing mental math:

If it happens this month, I'll be pregnant by Thanksgiving.

If it happens by December…

And suddenly a season that is supposed to feel cozy and joyful becomes another reminder of what you’re waiting for.

This can be especially difficult when everyone around you seems to be moving forward while you feel stuck in the same place.

And then comes the guilt.

“I should be happy for them.”

“I don't want to be jealous.”

“Why can't I just enjoy the holidays?”

But difficult feelings don't make you a difficult person. You can genuinely love someone and still feel sadness about what their pregnancy or baby represents for you. You can be excited for a friend and heartbroken for yourself. You can feel grateful for the life you have and still deeply want something that you don't have yet.

Those things can exist together.

You don't have to turn every season into a fresh start

Sometimes, when you’re struggling with fertility, every new month can start to feel like a new opportunity to convince yourself that this time will be different.

And while hope can be helpful, you don't have to make every season carry the weight of your entire future.

You don't have to enter October determined to be more positive. You don't have to approach the holidays determined to “make the most of it.” You don't have to decide that this is going to be your season.

Maybe instead, you can let this season simply be what it is.

Some days might feel hopeful. Some days might feel disappointing. Some days you may feel completely over it. Some days you may be genuinely excited about pumpkin picking, Thanksgiving dinner, or a cozy night at home. And some days you may want to skip the baby shower, mute the pregnancy announcement, or leave the family gathering early.

None of that means you've lost hope. It means you're human.

You are allowed to protect your peace

As the holidays approach, it can be helpful to think ahead about what you need — not just what everyone else expects from you.

Maybe that means having an exit plan for family gatherings. Maybe it means deciding in advance which conversations you're willing to have about fertility and which ones are off-limits. Maybe it means taking a break from social media. Maybe it means saying no to an event that you know will be emotionally difficult. Maybe it means giving yourself permission to enjoy the parts of the season that actually feel good without forcing yourself to enjoy all of it.

There is no prize for making yourself uncomfortable just because it's a holiday.

You don't have to choose between hope and honesty

Perhaps the most important thing to remember is that you don't have to feel hopeful every minute in order to keep going.

You can say:

“I really want this, and I'm tired.”

“I'm hopeful, and I'm scared to get my hopes up.”

“I'm happy for them, and this hurts.”

“I don't know what the next few months will bring, and I don't need to figure that out today.”

Hope doesn't have to be loud or constant. Sometimes hope can simply look like continuing to take things one day at a time. And sometimes, giving yourself permission to stop forcing yourself to feel hopeful can actually make a little more room to breathe.

So as the leaves change and the holidays get closer, you don't need to create a perfect mindset for the season ahead.

You don't need to be endlessly positive.

You don't need to feel grateful enough.

You don't need to convince yourself that everything will work out.

You can simply be where you are.

And if where you are right now is tired, disappointed, hopeful, scared, frustrated, or somewhere in between — that's okay, too.